Is this a hoax? Give me a break.

Real life. What’s that? And if anyone can define it, please tell me how to retell it in a way that gives a completely balanced account yet still keeps everybody entertained.

There are literally millions of blogs on the internet. I doubt the average person who uses the internet reads more than three regularly, if that. How do you choose which ones to read? I don’t wish to sound arrogant, but you probably choose the ones that you find most interesting, therefore you choose the ones written by people who a) have interesting things happen to them, or b) write in such a way as to focus on the most interesting things that happen to them. Given that you are reading this, it's not valid to compare me to the average person, you can only compare me to the average author of a blog that you bother to read. When you redefine the baseline, does this seem so extraordinary? Also, factor in the purpose of creating this blog in the first place and consider the impact that advertising my virginity would have on my experiences during these few short weeks at University.
Although I wouldn’t say I exaggerate my experiences, I certainly draw on only the parts that seem unusual or funny. For example, the reason that the only parts of my date with Shorts Guy that I reported were the reason for his permanent wearing of shorts and the conversation about the shopping trolley (which represented about 2% of our conversation) is to make the date seem of maximum interest. Who wants to read pages of “Then he looked at me like…. And we talked about his dislike of canned tomatoes… and then he drunk a pint of lager which cost…” Come on guys! Give me a break! When you find a girl who advertises that she wants to lose her virginity in the way I did and doesn’t have an interesting time, I’ll be surprised.

I'm Comparatively Easy

Due to the large number of exclusion criteria that I’ve developed, some people have been accusing me of being too particular. However one reader, Virgin Slut, has even decided upon the exact sexual position that she wants to adopt during her first time, (read relevant post on her blog.) I, on the other hand, think I might prefer to see what takes my fancy when I get there. The Virgin Slut seems to know her body better than I know mine.

*DATE* Shorts Guy

I’ve spent most of the day doing boring chores but fortunately I was able to spare a couple of hours this evening for another date.

I met “Shorts Guy” at The Turf. It was a bit awkward because there were some groups of people I recognised from my college sitting outside so I had to try and find a spot away from them. I didn’t want to be interrupted. The most obvious thing about “Shorts Guy” was that he was wearing shorts even though it wasn’t a very warm evening. It was my immediate priority to find out how he managed to keep warm in such conditions. He explained to me that he wasn’t warm but that he just never wore trousers. On further enquiry I uncovered that he had had “A nasty experience” with a pair of trousers when he was 19 and had never worn any since. He wouldn’t give any further details as to the nature of said experience. I can only assume that it is a delicate matter, perhaps something similar to the unfortunate accident that happened to Ben Stiller’s character in “There’s Something About Mary.”

One of the great things about Shorts Guy was that he didn’t try too hard to impress me. He was just natural. He did however, make sure that I wasn’t short of drinks. This may have contributed to later events of the evening, although I am certainly far from drunk. I had forgotten that it was Sunday and therefore the pubs would shut early so when the barmaid called time I felt disappointed. Assuming that we wouldn’t find anywhere that was open past 11pm on a Sunday night in Oxford I invited him back to my place.

On the way back from the pub Shorts Guy put his arm around me and I knew that meant we would kiss when we got to mine, if not before. As it happened, it was before, and several times. By the time we got to my place I was really horny and I started to think that maybe tonight was the night. We got into my room and we were kissing passionately before I’d even had time to close my door. Suddenly there was a crash, my shopping trolley crashed to the ground. Now although when my shopping trolley is unfolded it is very obviously a shopping trolley, when it’s folded up it looks similar to a folded pushchair. I’ve never seen a man look so scared, all the colour disappeared from his cheeks,
“Is that a pushchair?” he asked, clearly terrified that I had a child. He was relieved when I explained that it wasn’t a pushchair but didn’t really seem too impressed that I had my own shopping trolley. He said that was what old ladies had. I protested, by which stage a conversation was in mid swing and the mood had been completely ruined. Shorts Guy went to use the bathroom and while he was gone I started to panic because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have sex with him or not and I felt like he expected me to because I’d invited him back to mine. When he came back from the bathroom I told him that I was actually really tired and getting a bit of a headache. He tried to kiss me again and I kissed him back but I was very reserved. I showed him out and then returned to my room feeling both relieved and disappointed at the same time.

Current exclusion criteria:
-married men
-people who list more than 2 insecurities during any 5 minute period
-people who feel they need to take consecutive showers in order to be truly clean
-people who can’t judge the right and wrong moments to start a kiss
-women
-people who don’t reveal their gender before the date
-people who demand a decision too soon
-people who wear too much aftershave
-people I don’t find physically attractive
-people who charge for sex
-people who offer me money for sex
-people who sulk-hypocritical people
-people who don’t turn up
-people who I suspect to be undercover reporters
-really, really boring people
-people who want to convert me to their religion
-people who buy me inappropriate presents
-times when I don't feel completely comfortable about having sex

*DATE* The (Over) Sensitive Guy

While Miss A was blissfully enjoying an evening with band guy, I was sinking deeper into a pit of dissatisfying dates with unsuitable men. I wanted to spent yesterday evening (I’m still talking about Saturday) with my friends but I managed to sneek one date in before hand. The first of which was the most disastrous yet.

Readers know that I am 21, female, and have finished my finals. Thorough readers know that I got 8.5 on www.hotornot.com. Oxford Romance members know my exact height and people who trust the Cherwell think that I’m from St. Catherine’s College. Until now I’ve thought it strange that people would ask me out despite knowing so little about me. However, as a consequence of the date I’m about to report, I’ve realised that people have also gained insights into my personality. It would appear that the latter is of crucial importance to some, particularly the first suitor that I met yesterday.

I shall refer to the suitor, who I met at The White Horse, as “Sensitive guy.” He was a good looking chap, in fact I suspect he would score more highly than me on www.hotornot.com but hell was he scary. As soon as I saw Sensitive Guy, he threw his arms around me and hugged me. Within five minutes he told me that from reading my blog he had come to realise that I was “the one” for him. He said that as a result of my honest blogging style he felt he knew me inside out and he knew that I was a girl he could spend the rest of his life with. Obviously I considered his behaviour to be completely over the top but I thought he was just trying hard to convince me that he was committed in order to seduce me. I laughed and said,
“Yeah right, whatever.” But he just continued telling me how he knew we were meant to be together. I started to suspect it was a joke so kept laughing but then finally he said,
“You feel it too don’t you?” that was the moment when I realised he was serious. I told him that I didn’t feel the same way but he smiled and said that was because I didn’t know him yet. I kept telling him that I didn’t think it was going to work. My rationale for that was that there was nothing he could do that would compensate for the fact that he was so obsessive. Then, to my disbelief, he burst into tears. I didn’t know what to say so I just stared at him. “I know we are meant to be together. Sometimes when I read your blog I feel like you are talking directly to me soul.”
“Oh come on!” I cried. It was so weird that I thought he had to be taking the piss but then he informed me that he’d broken up with his girlfriend of two years to be with me. I simply replied,
“Oh for heavens sake!” And left. Either Sensitive Guy was taking the piss or there’s a broken hearted girl out there and it’s my fault. Still, I if he really was as pathetic as he seemed on the date, she’s probably better off without him.