*DATE* The Gift Bearer

I’ve just been for a late lunch with Mr. Generous, a long-haired post graduate with eyes that are really close together and heavily freckled cheeks. He wanted to talk about masturbation all of the time and he spoke really, really loudly. Given that we were in a small sandwich shop in the covered market, people could easily over hear. I kept trying to chance the subject but he always managed to steer but to the topic of masturbation. Eventually I was assertive and told him in no uncertain terms that I didn’t want to talk about “The beautiful art of self-pleasuring,” as he put it. He took this as an indication that I wanted him to stop talking about it loudly so started whispering instead and slipped me a Mark’s and Spencer’s bag (which presumably wasn’t the original packaging) under the table and when I looked inside it contained a present for me, a vibrator! I tried to refuse the present but Mr. Generous was determined I should have it! When I kept trying to give it back he got up, said farewell and left me sitting there, the proud owner of a brand new, Rampant Rabbit.

Current exclusion criteria:
-married men
-people who list more than 2 insecurities during any 5 minute period
-people who feel they need to take consecutive showers in order to be truly clean
-people who can’t judge the right and wrong moments to start a kiss
-women
-people who don’t reveal their gender before the date
-people who demand a decision too soon
-people who wear too much aftershave
-people I don’t find physically attractive
-people who charge for sex
-people who offer me money for sex
-people who sulk-hypocritical people
-people who don’t turn up
-people who I suspect to be undercover reporters
-really, really boring people
-people who want to convert me to their religion
-people who buy me inappropriate presents