*DATE* Garden Gnome Guy

I met two people tonight, one for dinner and one for a quick drink just before closing. I’ll describe them in different posts because they were very different.

To avoid a replay of my date with APJ where I talked about myself continuously and took no interest in him at all, I decided to pick people that I found fascinating rather than people who were fascinated in me. I get sent many photographs, the guys in them range from average to quite cute (I guess the ugly ones decide not to reveal their appearance until absolutely necessary.) I usually just ignore them. However there was something unusual about Garden Gnome Guy’s photo. He looked absolutely ridiculous, like a member of the monster raving loony party or something. I emailed him asking if it was a joke and he told me it wasn’t, he said that was how he looked and if I wasn’t going to like it he would rather I decided now than if we met in person. I thought I’d meet him for a laugh.

Ever since getting an email from a Cherwell reporter I’ve been particularly conscious about being tricked into going on a date with an undercover reporter. One only has to look at what happened to the poor girl (I’m not going to include her name because I sympathise with her) who signed up to that escort service I was telling you about for a laugh and got exposed by the Sunday Mirror, to learn that you can never be too careful. I decided that if a reporter was trying to get me to go on a date with him then he wouldn’t send me such a silly photo.

As I walked up the Cowley Road I wondered whether or not Garden Gnome Guy really did have a bushy beard and a tall floppy red hat. We hadn’t arranged a special sign to recognise each other or anything. If the attire in the photo had been just a fancy dress costume I wouldn’t have known how to recognise him. I needn’t have worried, Garden Gnome Guy did have a bushy beard and not only that, it was blue! He was also wearing the same red hat that he wore in the picture. His unorthodox appearance wasn’t limited to his head, he wore a long gown-like… gown. It was made of velvet and almost reached the ground. I was flattered that he had gone to so much trouble to entertain me.

Despite his remarkable appearance, Garden Gnome Guy was the most boring person I have ever met. He had brought with him, as a focal point, some photographs of his pet stick insects. My eye sight is far from perfect and I find it difficult to pick out stick insects when I see them in a real live tank, let alone in 4 by 6 inch stills. Because of APJ’s comments about me being self-centred I was over-conscious about talking about myself too much and so I kept asking questions about his life. The problem was, whenever I asked him a question, he would answer it and his answers were always really dull and related to either stick insects or Chinese takeaway.

Maybe I was so disappointed because it was built up too much. You expect quirky guys with blue beards to by a really interesting and funny so you feel let down when you realise they’re not. Next time I meet one I will not presume he's interesting unless he earns it.

Current exclusion criteria:
-married men
-people who list more than 2 insecurities during any 5 minute period
-people who feel they need to take consecutive showers in order to be truly clean
-people who can’t judge the right and wrong moments to start a kiss
-women
-people who don’t reveal their gender before the date
-people who demand a decision too soon
-people who wear too much aftershave
-people I don’t find physically attractive
-people who charge for sex-people who offer me money for sex-people who sulk
-hypocritical people
-people who don’t turn up
-people who I suspect to be undercover reporters
-really, really boring people