I think perhaps neither of the proposed definitions of my goal, (firstly “Intercourse between a penis and a vagina” and then changed to “Orgasm with partner present.”) are satisfactory. I have already discussed the problems with the first, but since presenting the second definition I’ve had many emails telling my that it’s unlikely that I will climax during my first time. That makes it difficult however, to pinpoint exactly when somebody can consider that they have lost their virginity. Comments please.
By the way, to the person who informed me that his girlfriend needed a “good few months” practice in relaxing before she could have an orgasm with him, why was it necessarily only the girlfriend that needed to learn about her body in order to climax?
How do I apologise to him? - 1 reply
4 weeks ago
17 comments:
As "the person who informed ..." I should point out that I have been taken a little out of context. My gf had never orgasmed with a guy before me, it wasn't just me being crap in bed, and yes it took a lot of practice on both our parts to give her what she needed.
Fair play, I hadn't realised that was what you meant. I'm told that there are huge differences in the techniques required to bring each individual girl to orgasm.
actually, considering that your goal does seem to be intercourse between a penis and a vagina, that sounds like a decent definition. unless, of course, you have changed your idea of what virginity means for you.
you've made it very clear you're not going to have sex with a woman, so that's out of the picture in any case...
as far as orgasms go, you declined to answer the question about masturbation (fair enough...), but i can tell you this - it's going to be a lot easier for a partner to bring you to orgasm if you've done it yourself, from my experience and that of plenty of my friends. there is obviously no need to post about it here, but if you don't masturbate, i highly reccomend trying it.
Um... well, (if this is what you meant) it's rarely an issue with guys. They've generally been wanking themselves off since puberty and don't have any problems having orgasms unless they're incredibly nervous and/or not-turned-on.
Whether he needed practise in pleasing her is another matter. Depends on the people involved I guess, everyone's different and has different experiences etc.
This website seems kinda cringe-worthy - if you want casual sex go to park end or something, this sort of thing really doesn't seem likely to attract anything better. People looking for casual sex won't be looking for some kind of complicated delicate situation with lots of talking about virginity and stuff - they'll just want someone to have fun with. Not that they'd necessarily mind, but you might have to tone down the 'I'm a virgin' thing a bit (a lot?) and just get it out of the way. It's really not a big deal unless you choose to make it into one.
Either that or look for a proper boyfriend , but this really doesn't seem like the right approach for that.
Also, would anyone want to sleep with you knowing full well that you'd probably post all about it here afterwards? I mean eww.
Sorry but sometimes its best to be blunt...
Casual-Sex-Guys put off by all the chatter, Non-Casual-Sex-Guys put off by the nature of my mission. I see what you mean, it's a catch 22 situation. That is very black and white thinking though isn't it? I mean I think the way that I'm narrating how carefully I'm considering everything does tone down any sense of the underlying proposal being vulgar.
Also it does seem that people are interested in sleeping with me despite evidence that suggests I would write about them, it surprises me too. However, I don't use people's real names and I shyed away from discussing masturbation so I can hardly see myself writing a graphic description of the deed itself.
Sweety,
I can see what you're doing and I think it's very exciting however I really think that you should just wait for a nice guy to walk into your life rather than advertise for him!
Some interesting points have been made about the quest possibly being self-defeating. Whilst I can see the logic, I don't think that makes the quest itself a waste of time.
For the sake of argument, we'll assume a worst case scenario: you emerge from this without having met anyone you felt willing to give yourself to.
Even then, you'll still have learned a huge amount both about yourself, and the type of person you are looking for. And that has to be worthwhile.
I wish you the best of luck...
i think your mission - losing your virginity - has to be defined with regard to penetration. losing your virginity means exactly that for straight people which you clearly are. otherwise someone could have shagged like 3 people, not had an O, and still be a virgin. that's absurd. it would be nice (for you) if you had an O, but that's touch and go. if you have masturbated before (which i hope you have) i think it should not be difficult if your chosen one is a good lover and if you are relaxed. good luck!
This link seems rather appropriate:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4616899.stm
I don't think the muffin man's worst scenario is really the worst scenario. In my opinion that would be choosing someone, and then experiencing an unsatisfactory or unpleasant first introduction to sex. While this is not too much of a problem in itself- there is always (hopefully) a next time; because of the amount of time and emotional energy you are investing in this, it could really have a lasting impact on your psychological attitude towards yourself and sex. That's what you need to guard against, by taking a step back and putting all this in perspective; making sure that whatever happens, it remains fun, enjoyable, and unstressful. I wish you the very best of luck.
Aunty A, whom her friends call 'the sex nazi', returns. (at least I think it was me, and have gone with the name.) The attitude typified by mr. z above is precisely what my previous letter was intended to draw into question. When he says that someone could have shagged three people but not have an O, clearly he has in mind a female someone. And as the rest of these posts show, reaching orgasm during normal straight sex seems to prove quite problematic for a lot of women. See yesterday's Daily Mail for an article saying that women should put up with this and learn that an orgasm isn't necessarily the point - perhaps a valid view, but it skates perilously close to saying that we should put up with the messy business of sex in order to please our husbands who will then kindly feed and clothe us. Instead, I'd like to ask mr. z to consider whether it's not that the women have a problem which has to be dealt with through lots of practice, at the end of which they will reach fulfillment by learning to like it (!), but instead the problem lies with how 'normal straight people' define sex and virginity. If we accept my provocative definition of sex as 'orgasm with partner present', then it is true that lots of people who have experienced penetration haven't in fact had sex. And that kind of thinking might encourage girls to expect more, and boys to do more, that is more in tune with their particular needs. And in general, that means less penetration, more 'other stuff'. It also means that vs can't expect to lose her virginity the first time she gets into bed with someone; but surely the extra effort will be worth it?
I'm not z, but I thought I'd throw in my twopence worth anyway. While I agree entirely with the thinking behind trying to encourage an attitude towards sex which values the gratification of the partners equally, I think for the sake of defining virginity (for heterosexual purposes at least) then if penetration has happened, sex has been had and virginity has been lost, irrespective of whether either of the partners achieves orgasm. What I think you are defining, is the transition not between being a virgin and otherwise, but between having had sex, and having had good sex, of the kind to which we should all aspire. What I would call someone who has done 'everything but' penetrative sex, I am as yet undecided. As for the misguided American teenage girls who in the name of sticking to their abstinence programme choose to take it up the arse instead, and still claim to be virgins, I call them morons.
Certainly, d, that is how most people define sex and virginity. My point is that that definition is not very useful, especially from a feminist point of view, and there's no point in sticking with it for tradition's sake. Certainly everyone rooting for vs will want her to have gone through the second of your two transitions by the time she finishes writing; I'm going even further and saying that that's the only important one!
On thinking about this further, I guess that in this day and age there isn't a lot of point attching the label of virginity to anything. It's not like any decent man would want to test that his prospective wife is 'undamaged goods' any more, so perhaps we should stop trying to define virginity in any hard and fast way, and instead just consider the experiences people have for their own sake, not for how they change ones label. As such, the quest as it began is a somewhat outdated and foolhardy one. AuntyA's quest, while a lot more worthwhile, still puts, in my opinion, too much pressure on VS to achieve something specific in the short term. And so I come back once again to my suggested alternative quest: for VS to achieve, by the end of term, a thorough exploration of her sexual being in the company of a man. Orgasms highly desirable but not the be-all and end-all (yet). Penetration possible but not compulsory.
The minor problem with AuntyA's definition is that it certainly makes virgin births a little easier... no miracle needed- just no orgasm for the female.
While I understand what you are saying, I don't think the definition of the process of losing virginity needs to change. Perhaps instead there should be more social education about the value and nature of fulfilling sex for both involved instead?
d, I think that you're absolutely right. Virginity in the sense of hymen intact-ness, has or should have absolutely no meaning in our society; and losing it certainly wouldn't be a big change for vs in any way that any other kind of sexual contact wouldn't also achieve. And your post really made me think; if virginity is such a rendundant concept, then what is the point of this quest? Especially if, as you rightly suggest, achieving the goal I suggested by the end of term is a pretty tall order. I suppose my own interest in the quest is fairly hypocritical after all this - oh well, it is in playing with our own hypocrisies that we find humour, or something.
I recommend that you first try having "orgasm with partner” before you try to “de-virginate”, as someone nicely put it. Orgasms are quite easy to achieve from non-penetrative (oral) sex.
And don’t be put off by people telling you that you probably won’t orgasm from penetration … if you aren’t completely clueless, you’ll know what to do.
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